What comes after 2022

"I know i've said this countless times and you're probably tired of this but this time, it really hurts so much that i couldn't let go. It made me cry hard so much i thought my eyes would've popped out. It just hurts too much fiq. It hurts more then fitri telling me that he gave up on love. While other girls are toying around with hearts of many other man, here i am patheticly sadly cheaply wanting that one heart to open up for me. Why is it so hard for me to accept that those dreams won't happen. Why is it so hard hold myself back from these terribly tears and feelings. Why does it hurt so much. Why am i so pathetic and cheap.I may sound like a joke every time but.. I'm really hurt and broken right now fiq." 

What i texted fiq is really what i'm terribly feeling right now. After all this while, i'm upset that i couldn't accept the fact. I'm upset that i'm this pathetic and cheap.

"Please la just hate me."

That request of yours, A, just hurts me badly, deeply. Realising how cheap of my feelings has been for you. I just can't. Even if i want to, even when i tried, i can't. Cause all the things you said and the reason for why you said it are always not something for me to hate. 

Why do i live this way? Why do i choose a life that's meant for me to be hurt? Why am i living life this way? Why? 

Why Allah? Why is it that even after countless times i begged that these tears may only fall for Allah, why do i still cry because of him Allah? Save me Ya Allah. Save me. I don't deserve your help probably but, please Allah, please save me...