If there is anything... - 16.09.2022

It's been awhile.. it's been awhile since I wrote anything here. And i'm always only here to talk about feelings that I could never tell anyone. All I do is talk to Allah, and pen it down here. 

One day, when im gone, somebody will read this. When, who, i dont know. Or maybe no one will. I don't know. Everything is uncertain. Our time everyday is just a countdown to the day we return Home to our one true love, our one true place, our one true Creator, Allah. 

But that's not what I have in mind right now. What I have in mind right now is how much i'm out of love. I used to say that i'm full of love and I can love anyone for as long as they love me and they love me right. I thought wrong. Tu lah, cakap besar lagi kan. Rasa kan kau. 

UBS showed me how worthy he is. He gave me his all. He gave me what no one else could. He knows a lot about me. He knows my favourite things. He knows what I hate. He gave me his love like no one else did. And I thought... I thought I could love him just like how I used to think that when a man loves you more than you do love him, the relationship would be filled with love. It was mundane. It was bland. It was boring. Despite all he gave, our frequency and vibes just doesnt match. Being four years older than I am, we don't have anything in common. I appreciate everything he does for me, his love and care. I do. I just can't love him enough. They say marriage is not about love. It's what is beyond that. And truth be told, i don't see how I could survive if I do marry him.

And after all my reflections... if there is anything I would like to confess, it would be that my heart has always been with MNBMA. It has always been despite the good and bad. I know, MNBMA came back for a reason. I know he did try to mend things. But I had to stay away. Despite loving you, I just know that I cannot be with you. Im scared. Im scared your family will judge me like they did before. Im scared to get hurt by your family. I probably still do love you. You were just someone I truly did love. I hate that I love you still. I hate what we went through. But I still do love you. And I want nothing but the best for you. I hope Allah blesses you with the best. Someone your family approves and loves. I know.. i know im not the one.. or maybe i dont.. but yeah..